Yesterday’s declaration of independence entry evaporated. I’d attempted to post to my LMS blog before heading home but must’ve hit the wrong key. I will not attempt to reconstruct it here but, call me Gretel, I will say this, the student’s suggestion to end adultism: “we need to teach young people to speak up for themselves” was a profoundly moving phrase that completely unhinged me during yesterday’s 11 a.m. class.
On later reflection, the many-petaled onion blossomed and additional tears fell. Because, you see, despite my mother’s best hopes and efforts, I turned out exactly like her in the following way: I too have little sense of what I’m worth. I too need cheerleaders, champions and those to show me how and to celebrate with me. I called the Devil a liar to his face yesterday, so I imagine that’s why the blog didn’t save. Today, I repeat myself: I will no longer bow, scrape, be silenced, shrink or fade away but will thrive and cherish myself showing others how it’s done and expecting them to treat me accordingly and do likewise. I will start by giving thanks for everything I have in the past taken for granted.
Today, I am filling out my application for the SIETAR conference and asked my Division Chair to write a letter of support. She agreed. For this I am grateful. Today, I refused to let a student’s chronic narcissism greet me with a thinly veiled whine. He later participated in class and apologized. I thanked him for his accountability. For being aware of several related domino-details and ripple effects through the class, I am deeply grateful.
This morning I yelled at my husband and apologized for doing so while floundering in efforts to stand up for myself at home where, perhaps it has always mattered most, as I attempted to get dressed, pack lunch, prepare breakfast, around him, and answer his questions about why I had to leave the house in 15 minutes to observe an instructor I had observed yesterday. I am grateful that I did not let him off the hook with his signature retreat into silent treatment but affirmed that it takes 100% of two people to make a marriage work; that he is God’s precious gift in my life; and that I still wanted his company at the breakfast table even if I had to gallop and go. I am humbled by the timeliness of today’s My Utmost for His Highest devotional and grateful that I asked him to read it to me while I ate. This seemed to go a small distance in the direction of restoring his leadership and confidence.
At 5 a.m. prayer an ear to the wall, peeking-in-my-prayer-closet prayer was spoken over me by the intercessors’ intercessor, and Mark 11:22, “Have faith in God”, was the confirmation given by our prayer leader and received after waking, fewer than 4 hours of sleep under my belt, with God’s wording for any answer needed at Curriculum Committee on Friday. I am grateful that Jesus chose me to plant Introduction to African American Literature to our standing course offerings and is orchestrating resources for the budding Immigrant Literature course to follow. See you at Bible Study.